i’m an asshole part 1

today i left too early to come back home. the morning started with an argument, and i flipped my lid. i said i was going home, and i did. it was so fast, and my parents, i guess in a way of hiding their vulnerability, acted like they didn’t care. but the way my mom came out of the house to wave goodbye as i pulled out of the driveway sent a pang in my heart.

i came home and my mother called me twice. the first time, she asked about the cat (which i brought home with me per my parents’ request). conversation was over. she called me again and she was choking on her tears. i felt so bad, i got teary myself.

i still feel bad. even though i called her and asked if she wanted me to come back, she said it was okay and started to feel better. nevertheless, i feel so horrible for making my mom cry today. i’m such an asshole sometimes i don’t know what to do. 

i felt like this today

i act strangely, i know that. but i never do wrong by anyone. i have confidence, knowing that i am true to myself and to people i know, but i act abnormally at times (by common standards). being abnormal yet confident brings a lot of disdain from people who can’t understand you.

my coworkers were ragging on me today and i was annoyed the hell out of it. i should’ve just walked away when i started feeling uncomfortable, but i didn’t. that was my mistake

a book by michael foucault

i recently bought a book written by michael foucault called ‘discipline and punish: the birth of the prison’

i bought it because i was looking for a well-written and informative read on prisons in american society. the reason i was looking for literature like this was because i had spent two nights in the dade county jail over last christmas weekend for the first time in my life. there i was introduced to a monolithic penal system that has been running for generations and i never once had given a thought to it. at the time i was in it, despite the resent and despair that resided deep within the feelings in my chest, i was intensely fascinated by the infrastructure, the culture and the organization of the jail house. this was a place that has received street-level criminals on daily basis since who knows when? decades perhaps. so, after my release, i naturally wanted to learn more about it.

but now, i feel so distant from the subject material that is within those pages. why would i want to muddle my mind with thoughts and theories concerning the penal system and human punishment … 

i fear that i am guilty of buying books out of vanity